The Well CVII: Welcome To The Kama Sutra

[Kam]

Nice choice. You always end up choosing the Irish people.



I'm currently listening to this. ^^

Well, I'm pretty sure that Rory's the only Irish dude I've posted here but yeah, okay.

I do like to support my local scene, though. I've always thought that Northern Ireland punched well above it's weight musically. We have some seriously great bands here, just dying to be unleashed on the big wide world and pummel it into submission.

I commend your taste also, sir.

[Kam]

Kam, what is your favorite phallus shaped food?

Actually, I remember when I was like 15 I used to hang out occasionally with a whole bunch of people with rather loose...um...morals. I remember one of their bigger sisters had went on holiday and brought all the girls back a whole box of very anatomically correct cock shaped lollypops she'd got in a sex shop. Obviously intended as a joke but man...that was fun to watch.

Phallus.

Grilled or fried?

...

And this is why I don't eat a lot of seafood.

[Kam]

Describe a typical weekend in the life of Kam....

My weekends tend to swing randomly from boring as **** to pretty wild. Not many seem to fall in between for some reason. I can't explain it.

I don't know about an average weekend but I'll take you through the weekend of two weeks ago.

*Friday night I went to a friend's house to have a few beers. We just chilled, ate some pizza, drank a few brews and watched a few movies. I ended up sleeping on her sofa.

*Saturday day we just hung out, not really doing anything special. Cooked a whole bunch of food we stole from another friend and ate like kings.

*Saturday night, we started drinking about 7pm. My friend was playing a gig (in Laverys) so we went to that. I was planning on taking it fairly easy but then we realised that someone we used to work with was having a birthday party there the same night. Cue lines of shots and random people I haven't seen in years buying me drinks and asking what I've done with my life. The gig was awesome. They played a blinder, as did the other bands on that night. An Ex-girlfriend of mine was there. She'd showed up on her own so I spent most of the night hanging out with her.

*The bar kicks out around the usual time. I can't find my friends and I'm pretty blitzed so I walk to the taxi depo and order a taxi home. Then I get a call from said Ex, saying she's going to some party. I probably should have mentioned she has some...emotional problems. She was way more drunk than me and she had no idea where she's going so I walk around to meet her. She's pretty ****ed up so I walk her home and put her to bed to sleep it off. Some fairly intense conversation, a few tears and a lot of persuading her not to go walking by the river on her own in the state she was in. Walk back to the depo and ask for another taxi. Use a different name just in case.

*Standing outside smoking a cigarette and I meet a group of the people I was with earlier. They're carrying all the band equipment up the road and heading to some party. Some people gave my friend a tonne of money to get them alcohol and then disappeared so there's plenty of free drink up for grabs.

* I don't remember much of the party. There was a fistfight in the living room, with some girl flooring two guys. Another group of girls are outside threatening to smash the windows of the house. My friend tries to diffuse the situation, pretty much just by saying the word 'diffuse' about twenty thousand times. One of them threatens to stab me and then starts naming people she knows that I should be scared of. I start making up random names and throwing them back at her.

* I diffuse the situation by giving them some cigarettes and they get bored and leave. Nice girls once I got to know them, actually.

* The stereo gets cranked and we dance to punk songs in the kitchen until about 7:30.

* I wake up on the sofa at about 10am, to some girl digging her feet into me while she's asleep. I swear at her, look around, decide I'm not cleaning up, find my jacket, play with the dog for a bit and leave.

*My friend (who wasn't at the party) calls me and says he's having breakfast on Botanic avenue. I walk around to meet him. It turns out that him and another friend are going for a road-trip up the coast. I decide to go and somehow the crazy ex mentioned above gets invited too. We take a walk along Helen's Bay and then drive over towards Portaferry. We went for another walk through a couple of forests along the way. I nearly lost a finger to a goat. We discovered some sort of movie scene and had some fun trying to figure out what was real and what was fake.

*Got home about 8pm on Sunday and passed out.

Not that wild, really. But it was pretty eventful and a whole lot of fun.

[Redmist]

*Saturday day we just hung out, not really doing anything special. Cooked a whole bunch of food we stole from another friend and ate like kings.

Partner in crime!
Sounds like a nice girl....

We discovered some sort of movie scene and had some fun trying to figure out what was real and what was fake.

That's more like it!

Goodbye shag in order there mate?

[Kam]

Partner in crime!
Sounds like a nice girl....

Yeah, she's awesome. I've known her since I was 15 and I lived with her for a year in the Holylands. One of the few people who always calls me out on my bull****. She actually just moved to Edinburgh recently. Like last weekend, I think. Kinda sucks.

That's more like it!

Goodbye shag in order there mate?

If you're talking about the Ex then nope. That kinda thing never worked out all that well for us in the past, unfortunately. Besides, that forest was ****ing freezing. If I'm coming back from a break then I want to be at my most impressive, ya know? Low temperatures just don't help...

[Redmist]

Sound.

(Nothing a tripple shake and a warm gag wouldn't have cured man, just for old times sake an' all .....)

[Jeff_H]

I nearly lost a finger to a goat.

This part really stuck out at me.

That kind of weekend would likely kill me, or require a solid week of R&R to recover from. I'm not sure I could party like that at 18.

[Gearjoneser]

Glad you got a spot on the Well. You're a newer member that cracks me up, so stick around awhile. Plus, I've got a good share of Irish in me....I know my liver is.

What's the funniest prank you've ever pulled?

What's the dumbest thing you've ever done while drunk......didn't I quote you once, talking about watching a cat eat your puke? hahaha

Which kind of American guy rubs you wrong, where you just want to punch him?

What's the best thing about high school in Ireland, and the worst thing?

If you had $100,000 and a passport/visa good for anywhere, where would you relocate yourself to begin a new life?

[Kam]

Sound.

(Nothing a tripple shake and a warm gag wouldn't have cured man, just for old times sake an' all .....)

Spoken like a true man of experience.

This part really stuck out at me.

That kind of weekend would likely kill me, or require a solid week of R&R to recover from. I'm not sure I could party like that at 18.

I've always hated goats. ALWAYS. Evil, spiteful, soulless mother****ers. I hope they all die.

There's a tonne of pictures from that day but I can't find them. Here's the few that I can. They were all just taken on a ****ty phone camera.



It was the light coloured one on the left that almost had my pinky away. They're ****ing cunning, man. I was paying more attention to the other one because he was up jumping on the fence and he looked more dangerous and then that wee sneaky ****er lunged in. I refuse to believe that it wasn't planned.



These two donkeys were pretty awesome. We walked almost the whole perimeter of the field they were in and they followed us the whole way around, always staying right beside each other. The one with the white face was always hiding behind the other one, too. Like he was really shy or something.



Right on the other side of those trees is the Irish Sea...I think. It was a really nice spot, though the photo doesn't really capture how awesome all the colours on the trees were.



This is just a really cool tree.

If I come across the rest of them I'll post them up some time. There were some really cool ones.

[Kam]

Glad you got a spot on the Well. You're a newer member that cracks me up, so stick around awhile. Plus, I've got a good share of Irish in me....I know my liver is.

Cheers, man. I honestly appreciate that. And a good Irish liver will stand you in good stead, as long as you remember to treat it like a woman. It'll never respect you unless you punish it.

What's the funniest prank you've ever pulled?

When I was young my best friend was this guy who lived just around the corner from me. He's the coolest, most loyal, stand-up guy you'll ever meet but even he'll admit that he's well on the crazy side.

We used to hang around with this other guy who lived right next door to him. His dad was all kinds of sketchy; not a gangster and not overly sleazy or anything but he'd do what he could to make a quick buck and he didn't mind bending a few laws to do it. He owned a bar in a really dodgy part of town, which means that on top of whatever else he was into (which I won't name) he was paying protection money to certain paramilitary type folk. As far as I know he never really had any trouble with them, so he must have been pretty good at paying on time.

I'm not really sure if this is a custom anywhere else in the world, but over here there's a tradition among those kinda guys of giving a warning by sending you a bullet in an envelope; just a friendly 'we're watching' sort of thing. That's what the rumours going around at the time were, anyway.

Well, my friend had just come back from holiday and he'd brought back a belt of decommissioned 7.62s as a souvenir. So one day we thought it'd be funny if we put one of them in an envelope and stuck it to his door. We staked out a decent spot in the garden and phoned him to tell him we were hanging around outside his house if he wanted to join us.

Words can't describe the multitude of emotions that crossed his face and how unbelievably hilarious it was. From confused, to shock to just sheer terror. He ran inside the house and we heard him and his dad shouting at each other for a bit. We left it for a few minutes and then went inside after him. His dad didn't really know what to make of it, I think. I'm sure he realised it wasn't a live round; he wasn't that gullible but there was doubt. He was just sitting in an armchair rolling it over in his hands and you could see his mind racing, trying to figure out if he'd pissed someone off or done something wrong. As soon as he saw us come in he figured it out, I think.

Our friend was in complete panic mode, though. He was upstairs, trying to ring his mum, throwing clothes into a bag and shouting down to his dad that they had to go stay with his uncle.

It was seriously hilarious...but it was kinda one of those jokes where it passes the point where it would've been funny to tell him it was a joke. We were just looking at each other like, 'Wow, we've really scared this guy, man. You better be the one to tell him it's not real...'.

On a related note: His dad sold that bar eventually. From what I heard he made a tidy profit from it but he managed to keep all the stock. So his garage was literally filled with bottles of wine, spirits, crates of beer, even a few kegs. The three of us found an old babies pram in a skip one day and dragged it out. Every couple of nights we'd sneak some alcohol from the garage, save a bit for ourselves and then fill the pram with bottles before wheeling it around the streets trying to sell it. We had it properly covered with blankets and everything so that no one would notice. We made a decent amount of money for ourselves doing that.

Simpler times, man.

[Kam]

What's the dumbest thing you've ever done while drunk......didn't I quote you once, talking about watching a cat eat your puke? hahaha

Yeah, man. That was me alright. The singer in my band had just turned 18 and his dad threw him a pretty awesome party in the house. We got there and started drinking at about 12 midday and kept going until about 4am or something.

I'd managed to make my way through six litres of cider, which is less impressive than it sounds since it's only about 4% and it was spread out over about ten hours. I had a few beers after that but it all went wrong when some guy challenged me to drink a pint of Baileys and then I indulged in one of my first experimentations with the illegal green puff-stuff.

I just remember feeling like my head was about a mile wide and it kept swaying from side to side on my neck. I remember the kitchen was pretty small and I kept getting freaked out because I thought I was going to bang my head off the walls if I didn't keep it still and upright, even though I was nowhere near them, really.

I went outside to the steps and just threw up ****ing everywhere. All over the steps, the wall, myself, the flowerpots, ****ing everything. I sat out there for ages, just because I literally couldn't move. I just didn't have the strength to stand up or anything.

And then this little ****ing black cat came out and started licking at the puke on my jeans. I remember thinking, 'Man, this is disgusting. What if all the alcohol and stomach acid and bile and **** in my boke makes the cat really sick and it dies? What if I kill this dude's cat with my puke?' so I started trying to push it off me but it hissed at me really loudly so I just sat there and let it feast. It was disgusting but I couldn't move and closing my eyes just made me feel like I was gonna throw up again so I didn't really have a choice but to watch it.

Ya know what just added insult to injury, though? The little ****er...after about twenty minutes or half an hour or something it got bored and decided to leave. It stood on the step just above where I was sitting, stretched and just casually (and I'm convinced purposefully) leaned over and pushed a glass of water all over me. The ass of my jeans was soaked through with ice cold water.

You ever tried to get a taxi home looking like death, covered in puke and with a soaking wet ass? It's not ****ing easy, man.

[Kam]

Which kind of American guy rubs you wrong, where you just want to punch him?

That's tough, man. I've met a lot of Americans over the years; while I was in America, friends of friends, tourists, students, etc, etc. Truth be told, I've got on pretty well with all of them and the only thing that they all had in common was a similar accent. America is too big and diverse a country to really judge, I think.

It's easy to have a knee-jerk reaction and throw out the tired old cliché of the bible-bashing cowboy, stuffing a hamburger down his throat and firing a gun in the air while frying someone in the electric chair for not waving the stars and stripes enough, but I think that if you spend enough time with someone it's pretty hard not to find some kind of redeeming quality in them. There's guys who post here who I disagree with completely on pretty much every big subject...but they're still cool guys who've made me laugh, or have helped me out, or who I've seen giving really sound advice to somebody about their gear or personal relationships. They're guys that I wouldn't hesitate to grab a beer with.

To answer your question simply; all the things I dislike about Americans are things that I dislike about anyone in the world regardless of nationality, race or creed. And those qualities are present in every country on the face of the Earth...they just manifest themselves slightly differently, is all.

So the kind of American that rubs me wrong is the kind of human that rubs me wrong...if that makes any sense. You guys (or the loud minority among you, anyway) just seem to get a lot more exposure for it.

[Kam]

What's the best thing about high school in Ireland, and the worst thing?

Th worst thing is easy; most of our schools are segregated by religion and gender. So I went to an all boys school. I had a few girlfriends and friends who were girls but it kinda sucked that they were so hard to meet and that I never got to hang out with them in school.

The best thing? I dunno, man. I can't really compare it to going to school anywhere else, since I've never experienced it. I guess being in an all boys school was kind of a plus in a weird way too. It was nice to have the safety and security of the 'boys club' and not have to worry about any hot girls in the vicinity witnessing you acting like a dick.

Don't get me wrong, if I could go back in time and introduce girls to the place I'd do it in a heartbeat...but I guess it was kinda nice to be seperated from all the social awkwardness and sexual politics and **** that accompanies being a teenage boy trying to figure out how to get laid. I guess it was cool to take a break from 'playing the game', as it were, and just do that **** on the weekends or whenever you felt like it. On your own terms.

The other thing that was cool about school is just something that's cool about Ireland in general. We're a pretty quirky nation, full of weirdos and ecentrics. I met some real characters in school, both students and teachers. Most of them were completely laid back and always up for a laugh. I remember standing smoking a cigarette with a history teacher and thinking how incredibly bizarre it was. It's just a weird place, man.

If you had $100,000 and a passport/visa good for anywhere, where would you relocate yourself to begin a new life?

If I had that kind of opportunity I wouldn't be settling down, I don't think. I'd love to travel for a while and see a bit more of the world.

Since it's a hypothetical question and I have to settle, though....probably somewhere in Europe. The best city I've ever been to was Prague. I just loved it there. Granted there was a huge area of it that I didn't see, an area that's probably full of poverty, violence and Soviet era grey concrete high-rises. But if I could afford to live closer to the old town square I'd live there quite happily.

I've never seen girls anywhere like the girls in Prague. Stunning beauties absolutely everywhere, just walking around like it's no big deal. I walked around in a state of permanent shock. Seriously, if I had a flag to go with the pole I had, I could have set up an Irish embassy right there in the ****ing street.

So, yeah. I'd actually love to live in America for a while but if we're talking about settling down then out of all the places I've been, it has to be Prague.

[Kam]

Now that was a ****ing essay for ya. Sorry dude, I was just bored and your questions opened the door for some decent stories so I decided to reminisce for a bit. Feel free to skip over it entirely. Well, I guess it's too late now, haha.

Anyway, here's another awesome song for y'all:

[Kam]

I've PMed a dude about taking this **** off my hands and just waiting for him to get back to me. Last chance to slip in any last minute enquiries....

[Redmist]

Have you played in many bands?

How did it all go?

.....

[Kam]

.....

lol. I can't believe it took you guys this long to turn the conversation to phalluses. Wait...phallusi? Whatever.



I've played in three bands. One never really got out of the garage phase, which is probably just as well. We were ****ing awful.

The other one was pretty good; I played in what was pretty much a backing band for a tremendously talented girl that I've known for almost ten years. She's an incredible classical guitarist, a great singer and she writes some really great, very honest songs. She's put her musical projects on hold for a bit while she's studying medicine, which is a shame but totally understandable. We only played maybe two or three gigs but it was a very cool experience and totally outside my comfort zone.

I was in a band for about four years called Dirty Dellaway. We had a myspace here which hasn't been updated in years (since we broke up) but it still has our first demo uploaded. I started off playing guitar but when our bassist left I took over on bass duties.

When we recorded the songs on the Myspace I'd only been playing bass for a few months and had no clue about anything to do with music theory so it's just pretty boring root notes sort of thing. As we went on I gradually improved and embellished all my parts, turning them into something vaguely recognisable as something worth playing.

The singer/lead guitarist was a genius. He'd been playing some sort of instrument since he was no age, he had perfect pitch and he was the star of the school orchestra. He was also ****in' nuts. When he left we went through two other singers and then we gradually fizzled out. Most of the writing we did after he left was done by myself and the drummer and, in my opinion, slays anything we ever properly recorded. The rhythm guitarist was completely unreliable and fairly uncreative. When it got to the point that we hadn't gigged in over a year and were practicing once or twice a month I'd had enough and left. The others folded pretty swiftly afterwards.

It's a shame, really. We had some real chemistry, we wrote some decent songs and we put on one hell of a live show. I wish we could have went out with more of a bang but them's the breaks, eh.

I really miss playing live, though. Some of my best memories were formed on a stage.

[ehdwuld]

dress to the left or to the right?

[Redmist]

There's a couple of cool dudes I met recently, about your age, about to kick out their guitarist cause he's a prick. They seem like sound lads and are looking for a new guitarist if you're interested?
The bassist also sings so it would be a three piece.

[Kam]

dress to the left or to the right?

Sorry, I refuse to answer political questions.

There's a couple of cool dudes I met recently, about your age, about to kick out their guitarist cause he's a prick. They seem like sound lads and are looking for a new guitarist if you're interested?
The bassist also sings so it would be a three piece.

To be honest, I'm kinda in to just doing my own thing right now. I'm working on getting my sound together, along with a decent recording setup and seeing where it'll take me.

That's definitely interesting, though. Where are they based and what kind of music are they playing?