Can You Relate to A Bank Robber?

[Dazed_Guitar]

So I had this idea for a song a few months back called Desperate Man. The idea was pretty simple as you will be able to tell with the lyrics. But some have said can anyone find sympathy for a bank robber? Deep huh? LOL. Anyway have a listen and let me know what you think.

song with lyrics - http://www2.mixposure.com/Dazed/song_focus_4513.php

or player only

Desperate Man - with Bri-an

Thanks for the listen!

 

[BigJoe77]

Re: Can You Relate to A Bank Robber?

If you want to know if it can be done, listen to Eric Church's Ride the Lightning.

(Sorry...I can't get your player to work here. I'll have to listen at home.)

 

[darkshadow54321]

Re: Can You Relate to A Bank Robber?

I think it's pretty good, actually. I particularly like the chorus lyrics. I see no reason why you can't relate to a bank robber.

However, I do feel that the song is trying slightly too hard to put across its message and get our sympathy... I don't think it needs to be spelt out quite so much.

Good stuff though. Catchy song.

 

[Wattage]

Re: Can You Relate to A Bank Robber?

It's not a bad AOR type of song at all, if you are not familiar with bands like White Sister or Arc Angel you might want to check them out I think they'd be right up your alley.

I would change a few things to clean it up and strengthen the choruses, it is a bit wordy - maybe something like this?

put your hands in the air
i'm a desperate man
put the money in the bag
dont make me blow you away

put your hands in the air
i'm a desperate man today
I’ve got to see this through
so please dont move
no please dont move

Make every word in a chorus matter otherwise the hook gets diluted, repetition of the key elements is vital. Make it easy for people to sing along and they'll relate to it a lot better and a lot faster.

Since you are really trying to get empathy if not sympathy for the character be careful using cliches they tend to feign emotion instead of being sincere. I would also consider a modern country-esque take on it. The premise is something I think a lot of people could relate to and that market would eat it up.

Sorry if it is more feedback than you were looking for, it is a good song and I think you could really take it to the next level for sure.

 

[everdrone]

Re: Can You Relate to A Bank Robber?

You have alot of talent, sounds great, cheers, reminds me a little of cold/staind ballads I really dig, maybe a little neil diamond too? I think Wattage hit it on the dot - more chorus repetition so the gals know where to 'sing along' when ur songs on the radio.

3 posts so far? stick around SD forums dude

 

[Dazed_Guitar]

Re: Can You Relate to A Bank Robber?

Actually Wattage that is exactly what I was looking for. Great info!!

DS and Everdrone - Most appreciative for the feedback . It is appreciated. Did you have to throw Neil Diamond in lol. I may have to break into Coming To America now rofl. I have a new collab I did recently with some friends from Mix that I will post eventually.

I will look for some music to review from you guys. Thanks again!