I'm not going to claim expertise and anything I say isn't a critique, just my gut reaction as a listener: overall it sounds like the overture to an album. I feel like you could get 2-3 really good songs out of the parts. After 4-6 times around the intro riff, I was expecting it to break into a chord progression and start some vocals. Because of all the riffs, it feels more like an overture to a much longer work. To my ear, anyway. My 2 cents.
The gut reaction of the casual listener is feedback I value just as highly, maybe even higher than professional songwriters and producers. They’re mostly the ones who are going to be listening to the final products. They like music that speaks to them, they connect with on some level.
They don’t react to a song with blatantly poor production issues or hasn’t really reached its full writing potential with “there’s a mostly good song in there, it just needs a better mix,” their brain just tells them it sounds bad and they don’t like it, whether they understand why or not.
That’s why great writing and production for me isn’t just to impress my contemporaries and be strictly a “musician’s musician,” but to convey what I’m trying to express in a universally understandable product, no matter who you are.
While I did call on experts, don’t think for a second I don’t value the feedback just because you aren’t using enough jargon. I definitely understand where you’re all coming from. To begin with, I’ll bring back the intro riff as the verse.
Being fairly harmonically static and very easy to sing over (though I sing while playing some pretty technical riffs that the vocals don’t follow 1:1 live anyway) I can get real creative with the vocals.
The choice now is which riffs to cut. There’s two or even theee riffs that can serve as a chorus, I could link them as a pre chorus and chorus and then there’s two breakdowns. Timestamp which you think would make the most exciting chorus and breakdown. I like the very last outro riff for its interesting chords, but the other has a key change. Then again, I don’t think it’s necessary a bad thing for it to stay in the same key, some absolute bangers use harmomic stasis to great effect (Thieves by Ministry literally stays in E minor the entire time vocals locked in G and it works.)