Re: The Well XVII:Cooter McClarky goin' buck wild"
What would you do in the event of 80s-style global thermonuclear war? -give answers based on four days warning and 30 minutes warning.
Four days warning: Search out Patrick Swayze as he lived 'Red Dawn' and thus must have some sage advice. I'd then go to the grocery store and buy canned goods and then to a outdoors/sporting goods store to buy ammo, flares, and flint and steel, a machete and some other odds and ends. I'd then call up my ex and try to reconcile things with her and to get her to leave school and fly out here to be with me. Then I'd probably infiltrate the air force base near my parents house to find a bunker to hide out in. I'd hide out in the bunker for a while and then emerge ready to do battle against the radio active throngs.
30 minutes notice: Probably bust out the beer bong. Chug some cocktails with it. Wheel my half stack on to my balcony and just rock out for the next 20 min. Really, living in the bay area, you can't get anywhere in 30 min. I'd rather pass buzzed and rocking out than sitting in my car in traffic.
What would you prefer to perform onstage in: a squid on your head or a particularly ripe pair of female hippie underpants strapped across your nose?
Well, I would imagine that the smell from both would probably be pretty similar, though with the squid you wouldn't have to inhale patchouli fumes as well. I think there would be more comedic value in wearing the squid and in that scenario I could at least hope that the majority of stink fumes would rise, not be trapped by my nostrils.
Give any tips for small time touring acts. What would you do to prevent events similar to your last tour repeating? How important are socks to you on tour?
Tips: be very involved. Don't just leave it up to your manager or other band mates. Look over everything and if it looks bad or weird, call people on it and don't go. Also make sure you expect the worst to happen (within reason), and then balance that if the worst case scenarios do arise (such as low pay, canceled shows, etc) is it still worth it and will you still be able to make it home. Money on the road is one of the most stressful things ever. I don't recommend going out unless you have the money already to fund the tour. Counting on making enough at shows is all too risky. Also, be vary careful about your scheduling of shows. One or two all-night drives are ok, but when you're constantly lacking sleep from driving so much to make it to the next gig, it starts to take a toll on you really quickly. And don't be so quick to go out and conquer the world. If no one knows who you are, a full U.S. tour, though you can arrange it, is a complete waste as no one is going to come out and see you. Unless you can get on with a national act, stay regional first (i.e. just west coast) and network that way. Then slowly branch out further.
If I were to do it again, I would honestly just stick to Ca, Oregon, Washington, Idaho, Nevada, Arizona and possibly Utah gigs. While seeing the whole U.S. is cool, it is a money trap unless you've got good guarantees. I'd honestly just do that for a while and then pool enough money between band mates to buy onto a big national tour. It sucks, but that is the way the music industry works and that is the best way to guarantee people come out to see you. Then just hope that money was well spent exposure and hopefully if you kick ass enough people will buy your merch, making your money back.
And it is funny you mention socks. One of my buddies who is a tour veteran of many years gave me some advice before I embarked on my first tour. He said, "Go out and buy a bunch of socks in bulk. Make sure you have enough so that you have a new pair of socks everyday. Its pretty cheap comfort and then no matter how bad things are going, you've at least got a brand new pair of fuzzy socks to throw on and brighten your day." Honestly, after taking his advice, I couldn't agree more. Plus, you'd be surprised at how many socks you can lose on the road.
If you had to dance-off against David Lee Roth, Bill Cosby and the Solid Gold Dancers to save the lives of your loved ones, which singer, actor and dance troupe would you pick for your team?
Singer: Billy Squire. But only if he danced like he did in his video for 'Rock Me Tonight'
http://youtube.com/watch?v=fR0j7sModCI
Actor: Turbo and Ozone of 'Breakin' fame.
Dance Troupe: The Storm dance troupe. They may be young, but they look like they've got moxie. Plus, if they're good enough for the WNBA, they're good enough for me.
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